Our relationships with others are often a reflection of aspects of our relationship with ourself and our life.
One of the most common issues clients and readers have asked me about over the years is their love life.
“How can I find my Soul Mate, my True Love?”
“Why do I keep ending up with the ‘wrong’ person?”
There are very effective Law of Attraction tools as well as the common guidance I have given to others myself many times and that is to love yourself first, wholly and completely, everything else flows on from there.
But what does this mean in real everyday life experience? How does our inner world and those parts of ourselves left unseen influence our ability to love ourselves fully or attract the kind of love and life we deserve?
As you may know from my previous post The Art of Falling Apart, I am having regular healing sessions with Master Energy Healer Stacy Vajta. I was recently diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue, Adrenal dysfunction and other things which all basically shout: “It’s transformation time again Kimberley. Time for a rest, time to go deeper and time for a growth spurt”.
My ‘homework’ for this week from Stacy has been to love my body more by welcoming my Body Deva or Body Consciousness into my full awareness. I am to love it and pamper it as I would a beloved guest of honour.
So I have been connecting with it as if it were a being in its own right, I have been imagining what my Body Consciousness ‘being’ might look like and what I might say to it.
What would YOU say to your Body Deva if it appeared before you as a wise and separate being?
What would yours need to hear?
What would it need to say to you?
Love your body more and you will get well. Right?
I read it all the time, in newsletters, Facebook posts, blogs, articles and books: “Love yourself and you will find optimum health, true love and life balance”.
What I am realising is that loving myself now doesn’t look quite how it did when I was consciously seeking to love myself several years ago. Back then it certainly worked for me in terms of getting well and then attracting my Love Mate. Excuse me as I digress for a moment and tell you more about that…..
9 years ago I would say I was at my best health-wise, everything was flowing, I felt balanced, I was fit, healthy, happy and grounded. This was after 2 years in semi-retreat where I focussed pretty much exclusively on spiritual contemplation, self-healing and self-care. I was surrounded by healers and teachers who helped me rebuild my strength day after day. After 27 years of stress and trauma I really needed it. I needed that time to heal and discover who I really am. During this period, one of the things I did was plant seeds of intention about my dream partner, my love match, my spiritual twin. I visualised him, dreamed about him and wrote about him in the back of my journal. Then I let go and got on with my life. I didn’t long for him or pine for him, I simply let go, trusted and got on with healing and learning to love myself.
Then one day I did something seemingly unrelated, I looked up old school friends on ‘Friends Reunited’ and sent some emails to see what everyone was up to. Back came an email from a guy I’d sat with in ‘A Level’ Art (age 17/18 yrs) some 10 years earlier. He was living near my home town, so the next time I was back visiting family in Devon we went to the pub for a drink. He met me from my Nan’s house where I was staying. I had an instant sense that I may have just met ‘the one’ I had been writing about, but I played it cool, not wanting to imprint my visions onto the wrong person or get ahead of myself.
It was clear from pretty early on that this tall, dark and handsome man (yes really) was the man I had written about in the back of my journal. He was even wearing the same clothes I had seen in my vision of him! Whether I created this or found it (or both), Neil is indeed my Love Mate, a soul mate who helps me grow through loving kindness and an unending gentle love and acceptance that has transformed how I see myself and the world. He has helped me begin to see the places where I do not love myself as much as he loves me.
So getting back to my earlier thread…recently this learning has come up again, with my homework from Stacy inviting me to love my Body Deva.
Like any slightly dysfunctional relationship, issues are rarely resolved simply by deciding to be nice to each other. The truth of the feelings that are really there bubbling under the surface need to be addressed, faced, felt and possibly expressed in order to return to truth and to make space for love to flow again.
So as I was inviting my Body Deva into my awareness as an honoured guest and imagining placing her at the head of a lovingly adorned dinner table, I became aware of the fact that it didn’t feel authentic. This exercise was helping to reveal my true feelings and they weren’t pretty.
I was angry. I didn’t actually want to give my Body Deva the time of day let alone an honoured place at my imaginary banquet. I was totally P.O’d and I didn’t know why. These feelings took me by surprise. But I tried to just allow them to be there and watched them with curiosity. This all happened last Sunday morning from under my duvet, the feelings surged forward as I was waking. As I had woken up, my homework had drifted into my consciousness and I imagined my Body Deva as my honoured guest at dinner. I was furious.
Instead of resisting the feelings and trying to stick to the plan of what I thought was loving my Body Deva, I allowed myself to breathe and feel all the anger as it surfaced (a different way of loving myself). I let myself just BE with what was happening in that moment. There was no judgement, clever analysis or spiritual platitudes, I just felt it. Having tried dozens of healing modalities, lifestyle changes and special super-nutrition eating plans, what it came down to was just feeling the energy that was there beneath the surface and had previously been buried too deep to access.
What I realised is that I was feeling old anger toward my body, anger that goes back 12 years to when I was seriosuly ill for the first time in my life. I was 27 years old and disabled by what stress and trauma had done to my body. I did a lot of self-healing back then as part of integrating my Spiritual Emergency of 1998 but I don’t think I had really connected with the anger, disappointment, helplessness and frustration I felt towards my body for what I saw as it letting me down.
At 27 years of age I had felt betrayed by my body. Here I am now with similar but much milder symptoms. They are showing me where these unresolved feelings have been sitting, waiting to be acknowledged and brought back into the field of loving acceptance.
If you feel hurt, betrayed or let down by a family member, you won’t heal it by papering over the cracks and trying to be nice to each other. The pain will be sitting beneath the surface influencing and colouring every interaction with that person and affecting your own well-being. Those true feelings, whatever they are need to be met if you are going to move on and if love is going to have a chance of flowing again.
If having tried everything there is simply no way to sort things with some people, we can let them go (in love) or at least take some serious time out. With our bodies obviously we cannot do that, we are committed!
This is what I felt bubbling up inside me last Sunday morning, the feeling of being trapped in a room with no doors or windows with someone who has betrayed me, hurt me and let me down. I felt like screaming. This is apparently a common feeling for those suffering chronic illness or disability but I had not connected with the intensity of these feelings 12 years ago so there they sat in my energy body creating unhealthy patterns. These patterns have at times caused me to push my body, disconnect from it, ignore it, over-give and work too hard. All the while in recent years my body has got bigger and bigger and the symptoms worse and worse as my body tried to get my attention.
So now I am listening, really listening thanks to Stacy. I am opening to an honest dialogue with my Body Deva, I am open to healing that relationship and am taking my time to do this authentically. It is an important step on my way back to love for my physical self and full health. The bigger picture is that this is ultimately part of my being able to ground more in my physical vessel and be a more effective conduit for Grounding the Light and being that interface of spirit and matter that defines the human/spiritual experience.
It really is just the beginning of a new healing cycle and I’ll keep you posted.
If you can relate to anything I have shared in this post please share your story by posting a comment below. I’d love to hear them.
Love and blessings,
Energy Tools and Soul Skills….for an awakening world
My blog site has now moved to www.kimberleyjones.com Hope to see you there!
CONTACT: Stacy Vajta – Expanded Pathways www.expandedpathways.com
♥ SHARING IS CARING: Please rate it, like it and share it! Thank you ♥