Gloriously Imperfect – Letting go of the ‘Nice Girl’: My healing journey continues…

OK so what has face ache got to do with being a ‘Nice Girl’?

My face has been hurting. My jaw, lower teeth, ear and generally the right side of my head. I had another healing session with Stacy last week where she did some energy work in that area for me. It certainly got some energy moving. I have seen many lists of ‘ascension symptoms’ which feature the pains I speak of. All I know for sure is what I am feeling right now, in this moment with all my senses; my 5th, 6th and enhanced senses.

I try to pay attention to whatever is loudest and right now what is loudest is my physical body, my physical felt sense of what is going on within the boundary of my skin.

As well as the pains around my jaw, teeth, face and ear I’ve also had what feel like small electric shocks all over my body.

I have found it isn’t helpful for me when other people try to tell me what I am feeling or why I am feeling it. When my physical body is shouting it is a wonderful reminder for me that I need to listen to myself, to my own body, to my own intuition and just BE with whatever is going on. The widom of my own body has the answers that are relevant to me and my journey and I must consult my own inner oracle.

So that’s what I have been doing with support from Stacy.

Slowly this week I have become aware of the energy, emotion and information held inside the physical pains I’ve been having. I am feeling it because that energy, emotion and information is now on the move. “Feelings are healings in progress”. Something that has been sat there in my jaw joint (TMJ) is ready to shift and transform.

So I sent up a request to my unseen Team of helpers. I asked for their assistance in becoming aware of and letting go of whatever I needed to let go of in order to be free of this pain. I asked for help in relaxing into the feelings. Help came.

Along with a momentary intensification of the physical feelings came a flood of unspoken truths and unexpressed feelings.

Releasing from my face, jaw and teeth was a stream of old energy and information. It manifested as a stream of multiple flashbacks and spontaneous daydreams of all the times I swallowed my truth or put my needs last in order to be a ‘Nice Girl’.

I witnessed all the times people had disrespected me and I had let it slide because I didn’t want to upset anyone, or been too young to assert myself.  In the out-going stream I saw every time I’d had my spirit squashed by an over-bearing character but kept shtum because I was afraid of conflict. I witnessed many of the times I had put someone else’s needs before my own. It all came rushing through my awareness and I watched it and felt it as it whooshed by like high-speed traffic.

My Nice-Girl-programming was reinforced with violence, aggression and manipulation so it was planted deep. As I am growing and being called to speak my truth as a teacher and leader and assert clear boundaries in the world it is bring up a lot for me to heal and clear about this. That programming is being challenged within me now and of course it also ties into the collective feminine wound of abuse and persecution through the ages that comes up or gets triggered as a woman steps into her power, as well as each month during the monthly cycle (PMS= Clearing/transmuting the feminine pain body).

A pocket of suppressed power energy had built up in my jaw joint, resulting in me grinding my teeth at night and clenching my jaw unconsciously. I am pretty sure that my Nice-Girl-programming has also been behind ongoing weight issues. These issues can apply to the Nice Boy too of course, however I cannot speak from personal experience about how this might be for a boy/man.

Try this quick checklist based on one by Karen R Koenig to see if you have a ‘Nice Girl’ problem:

Circle the number that best describes in general how you think, feel, or act:

1 = Rarely/Never          2 = Sometimes          3 = Often          4 = Always

___  1.  I jump in and take care of family members when others could but don’t or won’t.

___  2.  I feel guilty whenever I say no to family members or disappoint them.

___  3.  I avoid burdening family members with my problems.

___  4.  I put family members’ needs before mine at my own expense.

___  5.  I take care of friends more than they take care of me.

___  6.  I feel guilty and bad whenever I say no to friends or disappoint them.

___  7.  I am there for friends even when they’re not there for me.

___  8.  I put friends’ needs before mine at my own expense.

___  9.  Even though it stresses me out, I push myself to give my all at work.

___  10. I pick up co-workers’/bosses’ slack and rarely get credit for it.

___  11. People at work take advantage of my good and giving nature.

___  12. I stress myself out by saying yes to people when I know I should say no.

___  13. I feel in the wrong and apologize automatically even when I’m not at fault.

___  14. I keep silent about what’s on my mind rather than speak up.

___  15. I feel that whatever I do isn’t enough with friends, family, at work, and at play.

___  16. If I don’t do something perfectly, I feel like a failure.

___  17. I’m mortified when I make mistakes because of what people will think of me.

___  18. I have an overwhelming need for people to like/love/accept/approve of me.

___  19. I avoid making waves.

___  20. I go out of my way not to hurt people’s feelings and end up being dishonest.

What’s Your Score?

Here’s how to score this test.  Give yourself 4 points for each Always answer, 3 for Often, 2 for Sometimes, and 1 for Rarely/Never, then add up your points.

Now look at the chart below and see where your score falls:

60-80 — You are a people pleaser. You are draining your energy and giving your power away. This could make you unwell. Time to be nicer to YOU.

45-59 — You put others before yourself and it is costing you dearly. Martyrdom is not cool.

25-44 — Time to check in and keep an honest eye on your behaviour and beliefs about your own self-worth

20-24 — Being too nice is not your problem.

The energy in my jaw and face is moving and as it moves I am experiencing it as anger. I see it as dark, sludgy red energy coming out of my face. I wasn’t aware of feeling anger at the time of each of the scenarios I speak of above, but anger is usually some degree of helplessness when you get down to it, powerlessness. I had suppressed my power and felt helpless. I was pushing my own needs and feelings to the bottom of the pile. I was not taught as a young girl how to stand up for myself, take care of my own needs or speak my truth in a calm, assertive way. I was taught, largely by example to smile and swallow the feelings. Be a Nice Girl, please others or else. I have also carried a sense of responsibility for healing my family, for being their source of light, which I am now releasing.

Over the top of this dark red energy I noticed another layer of vibrational information that was keeping this healing from flowing as freely as it might. Something was in the way. The Nice-Girl-programming that led me to say nothing in the first place was now keeping me from giving myself permission to feel the full extent of the anger. Nice Girls don’t get angry, right? Or so my system appeared to believe.

Now, many people who knew me from my late teens and early 20s might might not believe that I had any problem speaking my truth. As a carer for my Mother for 11 years through Cancer, I had become incapable of BS and was very out-spoken, largely to protect the crumbling heart that lay behind the facade. But when she died, all that stopped. I didn’t need to be her strength anymore, I didn’t need to keep it together. And so I promptly fell apart.

I digress. The Nice-Girl-programming was keeping me from really being with my feelings and the energy that was on the move, it was blocking its flow. That programming was mainly made up of old fear (fear of violence, fear of disapproval etc) and so I started there. I gently allowed myself to feel the fears that had been instilled in me to prevent me from meeting my needs or answering back in my early years (I made up for it later!), I gently breathed into the feelings. This is very old stuff you see. I have worked on/played extensively with all this over the years so this isn’t a new healing journey for me. It’s just that this week this particular piece of healing is happening and is coming out of my jaw! So I’m going with it.

Incidentally I’ve also noticed that the spiritual path can really plug into the Nice-Girl-programming getting all mushed up with ideas of saintly martyrdom, selflessness and being the angelic, ethereal picture of perfect femininity, kindness and endless compassion. It is an ideal, like the Olympic Gold for those with Nice-Girl-programming and it can be a hard one to ground and let go of. It can also be the one that leads you to burn out. I know that one very well.

My higher self knows that the ‘story’ part of all this is irrelevant, it’s all just energy and energy can change in an instant. However, I feel deeply that my path in this lifetime is to grow, awaken and transform WITH my physical body, embracing my emotions and my humanity. I do not wish to hover above my body seeing everything from my Crown Chakra perspective and judging anything lower than that. I have no desire to transcend the human experience. We are all here to bring heaven down to EARTH, to enjoy every reality and dimension whilst always knowing we are the awareness having the experience. Spiritual beings having a human experience and celebrating every bit of it. Down to earth ascension and every day enlightenment. My shift now is learning how to do that without taking on everything that isn’t mine and trying to process it through my physical body. Something Stacy has really helped me with during our healing sessions.

So when a pain is there I feel it, I allow myself to breathe towards it, to relax into it rather than clench away from it or do a spiritual leapfrog over the top of it. Then it moves and is gone for good. Another deeper piece of the same issue held in my Pain Body may surface later, but for now that bit is done.

Let me just say that of course there is nothing wrong with being a nice person. For me however, being nice was a behaviour forced upon me through fear, a behaviour instilled in me through manipulation (parental and societal) and one placed higher than my own well-being. ‘Nice’ became a replacement for the real me. That is when it is unhealthy, when it is a mask for suppressed pain and keeps men and women from being their TRUE selves or speaking their truth.

As a sensitive, intuitive, empath (INFP) my own health, happiness and well-being depends upon me staying up to date with what I am feeling on every level and being present with what is. In order to do that I had to learn a few years ago to give myself permission to feel and acknowledge my real feelings. That was a breakthrough. These days if I sit on something that needs expressing I feel it in my body as discomfort. When I say “express” that can mean journalling, laying down and breathing, feeling it privately or saying just what needs to be said, to the right person, with the right degree of power in the perfect moment. That last part is what keeps our Throat Chakra (and Thyroid) healthy by the way.

So I have been breathing and just being with the aches and pains in my face and jaw, watching, feeling and allowing. As that old suppressed helplessness and anger releases, so it turns into pure power and love rushes in to fill the space it leaves behind. When old anger first starts to move it can come out a bit messy, that’s OK. Don’t be hard on yourself. Try seeing it as a power surge. Eventually the flow tempers itself and you will experience a new level of personal power, self-esteem and self-respect. The messy part can be done with a healer, a loved one or in your journal; in a safe space.

Nice Girls need to allow their anger to flow when it shows up because it quickly opens the door to authentic intuitive power and a renewed sense of self-esteem. It doesn’t have to be taken out on others, just felt……breathed and felt. Personally I have found those moments when it does all burst out to be some of the most transformational times in my life. When women have a hard time at Menopause, it is often relative to the degree they have suppressed their true self, true needs and true feelings. Hormones more easily stay in balance when we speak our truth, honour our needs and keep our energy flowing. Our Chakras help keep our energy flowing and they also relate to each of our glands and hormones. Our hormones keep our emotions in balance. It is all connected. Keep our truth flowing, our power flowing and look after our own needs at least as well as we do other peoples’ and we have more chance of a graceful monthly cycle and transition post menses.

Generally if like this week I am processing some anger (suppressed power), I try to simply feel and express how I am feeling. I was with my partner and feeling all this stuff bubbling up and it would have been so easy to either swallow it and say I was fine or just spray it all over him, project it onto him or take it out on him. But that doesn’t actually shift the energy, it just makes a mess, which is OK too but not my intention. So I told him I was feeling a lot, I was struggling and needed some space (and hugs too). Instead of hiding my feelings trying to be nice, I let myself be an almighty grump but by myself, just breathing and feeling.

About 10 years ago, one of my male spiritual teachers really helped me with this. He was 30 years my senior, perfect to help me with any Father issues relating to the Nice-Girl-programming I carried. He simply said “You don’t need to smile at me. Only smile if you really feel it, only smile if you really mean it. You don’t need to pretend with me and you don’t need to please me. My ego doesn’t need your smile”. THAT was a transformational moment for me. I had always been known as ‘smiley’, people liked it. It was my mask.

I was free, at least when around him. It was my first taste of unconditional acceptance, the love flowed toward me even when I was outrageously angry, messy and emotional. That was a gift. It gave me the experience of being lovable no matter how I felt. It was contrary to my programming.

So whatever I am feeling now, when I can unconditionally allow and accept it all and love my own truth, when I can sit with it unafraid to feel it, not try to fix it, suppress it or judge it….then it liberates me and I can offer that space authentically to others. I only react to other people expressing their feelings if I am not giving myself full and loving permission to do the same. It wouldn’t have been that long ago that even reading this kind of blog would have pushed my buttons because I wasn’t giving myself permission to be this authentic. We can’t love ourselves fully if we are concerned what others think of us or if we are trying to live up to some unrealistically perfect, spiritually sanitised standard constantly seeking approval from others or more ‘likes’, Facebook friends, glowing comments and ‘shares’!

I am a number 2 on the Enneagram, a ‘people pleaser’. I used to try to please from a place of fear and lack. Now I am growing to a place of doing so rather from a place of LOVE and fullness.

When we love ourselves for ALL that we are, on every level of consciousness and we are no longer afraid of our deepest feelings (our own shadow) then we can enjoy freedom to express the fullness of ourselves and be authentic and it becomes possible to love others in all their messy and glorious imperfection too!

Love and blessings,

Kimberley ♥

Energy Tools and Soul Skills….for an awakening world

My blog site has now moved to Hope to see you there!


Stacy Vajta – Expanded Pathways


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16 thoughts on “Gloriously Imperfect – Letting go of the ‘Nice Girl’: My healing journey continues…

  1. Hmmmmm….. teaching selfishness to release stress lol. What a new and crispy concept, you should write a novel lol!

  2. Hi Kimberley, Wow I am so amazed, I have all your symptoms, but on my left side exactly where you have on your right. I have had this pain and discomfort for years and I am now on medication at night to help me sleep through the gripping pain (nortripyline) I have tried to release this pain, emotion….. I am a Holistic Therapist and have used many healing modalities to help me let go of whatever or whoever this may be connected to, but its still here. I do love, accept, fogive, and honour myself on all levels through every lifetime/space/dimension. It must be so deep seated somewhere in my past, I have been told that I was a Witch in a past life… I am a Medium in this one… so who knows? “perhaps it has to do with persecution”. However after reading your amazing experience I feel much better about this pain, and perhaps I will be more gentle with myself. Yes I am a perfectionist I am hard on myself, so I will endeavour to rectify this as best I can, then perhaps the pain/blocked/stuck energy will be released. Kimberley I send you much love and gratitude
    Bright blessings
    Elizabeth x

    • Thank you Elizabeth for sharing this. I see the answer is in your question. I am sure you know this but it is when we allow the feelings to be there without any perfectionistic need to fix it or be ‘better’ that energy can relax, flow and release. Sometimes it is not about trying every therapy but simplifying and just being lovingly present with and accepting what is, with no judgement of it. The things can shift at any level. It doesn’t matter if things seem to be ‘old’ or ‘deep’ or past life issues, it’s all energy that can move in this moment. It is all now.
      K ♥

  3. KImberley, thank you! Ive really enjoyed and connected to your post. You write beautifully. Your honesty is truly heartwarming and the clarity with which you explain your process offers many helpful insights.

    Reading your wonderful post was quite a ‘penny drop’ moment for me. The way you explained the nice girl ( along with the questionaire) helped me to realise that Im always ‘trying’ to be a nice girl, and spend what seems like every waking moment berating myself for the moments, acts, behaviours etc that are not in line with this persona.

    The judgement and criticisim of myself is also projected onto my beloved partner, which afterwards brings much guilt …. and the horrible berating cycle kicks in again…

    My partner has been away for the past week, its our first break from one another for a long time. Since he has been gone i have had the most terrible jaw ache, teeth ache and ear ache. I thought I must be stressed about him being away, which seemed weird because i dont feel stressed about his absense, in fact i am enjoying my own space and am enjoying being alone with my son for the first time since he was born 2.5 years ago. Reading your post i wonder if perhaps its also something trapped that is ready to be released.

    Thanks again for sharing. i really appreciate the insights.

    • Thank you so much for sharing this and for your kind comments about my blog post.
      It does sound like now you have some space to yourself your energy can ‘relax’, expand and start to let go of any emotion or unspoken truth that has been stored in your bio-energy field/body.
      K ♥

  4. Thank you so much for being so courageous and authentic as to share your journey so openly, Kimberley! I’ve had a headache all weekend, and the other night I had a dream that I had some sort of surgery on my jaw that resulted in my jaw being bound shut while I recovered from surgery! What a “DUH” moment when I read your blog and thought, “well, YEAH…this pain MEANS something – what message is here?” I was not putting 2 and 2 together, but your blog post was so insightful and helpful – THANK YOU!!! Also, thank you for the reminder that the women of the world are constantly transmuting the pain and suffering of our foremothers (as well as present-day mistreatments) – this information is also incredibly helpful, and it’s good to be reminded. Thank you for your light, your honesty, and just being YOU! I really appreciate you (and so do so many others!).


  5. Kimberly,

    I am in tears right now. I can hardly see the screen as I type. I’ve been carrying so much unbelievable pain in my right jaw, teeth, down that side of my neck into my arm for years. The doctors can’t find anything wrong. I went to physical therapy and it helped temporarily…reading your article was a revelation for me. I know you might hear this a lot, but I honestly grew up the exact same way. Except I cared for my mother emotionally and practically raised her. But the emotional side to it was the same. I slapped on a smile and felt forced or at least pressured to “fake it” because that seemed the only way my family accepted/ loved me. I dropped out of highschool and went to work and handed over my paycheck to my mom for the bills because it was the “right” thing to do and though I left home here and there to try to start a life of my own, I was still very much consumed in caring for my family and putting myself last to the point that by age 23 I fell deathly ill. I was nearly bedridden for about eight months as I had no strength and going out to the road and checking the mail was a big deal for me at that time. A huge accomplishment. When you’re forced to slow down in such a way, it leaves you with a lot of time to think about your life. I stayed busy beforehand to avoid thinking about how unhappy I was. So that was the start of my journey. But you’re so right…these healings take time. And though I’m 34 years old now and feel I’ve come a long way in healing old wounds…after reading your article I realize that although I may not participate in saintly martyrdom as I once did, I realize I have no released a lot of those emotions. I’ve simply buried them and tried to move on, start anew. Apparently it doesn’t work that way 😉
    Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so happy that Stacy has been able to help you!

    Nikki Hundley

    • (((HUGS))) Nikki,
      Thank you for sharing that.
      I recognise what you say about emotionally raising your Mother and know how draining that is. Oddly I too had about 8 months in bed. Making a cup of tea and getting back up the stairs to bed on a good day felt like a Herculean accomplishment so I relate to your mission to the mailbox. I am sorry you went through that and I know you are emerging from it all now. Perhaps you will get something from my personal theme for 2012: SELF-HOOD. Not the same as ‘selfish’ but about coming back to self, back to self-care, self-awareness, gathering scattered energy, reclaiming lost power, forgiving, healing, saying NO to demands on time and energy, knowing when to stop and rest, knowing when not to help others, knowing when not to speak, being OK with putting your needs first etc etc. Even just saying the word out loud seems to center me: “SELF-HOOD”
      Much love to you Nikki.
      K ♥

  6. This was just what I needed to read at this moment. I am also in the process of releasing tension I have been holding in jaw from being the perfect “nice” girl for the past 34 years of my life through some recent energy healing. It’s been very overwhelming to cope with as I am new to feeling my body and emotions through energy. I’ve felt very angry which is a very foreign feeling for me as well as detached and outside of my own body. I love how synchronicity works and just when I need it most, the right words appear (your blog) and help me know I am not alone in my feelings.

    much love xo

    Kimberly Rae

    • Thanks Kimberly,
      Well done and stay with it. Sounds like you are really clearing some important stuff. Yay for the power surges. By the way it’s quite normal to go a little out of body when you first start to connect with and release uncomfortable feelings. It helps to take deep breaths and use this mantra: “It is now safe for me to feel these feelings”.
      Much love,
      K ♥

  7. I really enjoyed this article. I can also attest to being a ‘nice girl,’ in fact my normal response when strangers (especially men) talk to me is to giggle. I always giggle! Half of the time I don’t hear what they say, it’s my ‘nice girl’ way of dealing with strangers trying to impress me.

    “You don’t need to smile at me. Only smile if you really feel it, only smile if you really mean it. You don’t need to pretend with me and you don’t need to please me. My ego doesn’t need your smile”

    I loved this.

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